


I Want to Get Unlost

by apollotaire



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, So yeah, because I don't completely remember what happens, i decided to post it, idk TAGS, its been a wip forever so yeah, its not happy, most likely will never be finished, never ever, uhh this is a whole ass wip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 15:04:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15633135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apollotaire/pseuds/apollotaire
Summary: Fíli and Thorin come out of the Battle of The Five Armies without fatal wounds. Kíli however, doesn't. If he survives, will he ever be the same?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, its been in my google docs for at least 2 to 3 years and well i decided to post it lol, its unfinished as fuck and i personally dont even remember what exactly happens so we'll see

_ Fíli took a deep breath and focused on the fighting. So many orcs! He threw a knife-- almost his last. How?- at an orc and then killed another with a blow of his sword. He needed to find his brother, and Uncle Thorin. His head pounded and he felt bruises blossoming over his body. But he had to keep fighting.  _

_ Then, he saw his brother and that orc filth Bolg. Kíli dangled from the orcs hands and his leg hung at an odd angle. His hand was bloody and didn't seem like a hand. He screamed out of rage and rekindled in battle with a new ferocity.  _

 

Fíli started awake.

Kíli had been drifting in and out from consciousness and he wasn't always lucid. His wounds were the worst of the company. His thigh had been shot by an arrow and his hand had been mangled as it had been stepped on afterwards. They had discovered a broken leg and the healers expected he'd have a limp for the rest of his life. He also had a severe concussion. Fíli had been sent out of the tent when they patched him up because he had been too clingy and had been pacing ever since. But the peace and quiet had given him less to think over. The battle had now pushed it's way to the forefront of his mind

  
  


The battle had been horrifying. There were corpses everywhere. Fíli had made the biggest mistake of his life; he told Kíli he'd be fine and he send him away.

 

Instead of following him, the orcs had followed Kíli! Fili had assumed the Orcs would chase after him: after all, he was the more heavily armed, the more present threat. He had  _ hoped _ they would chase him. He had planned it. And yet as he watched in dumbstruck horror, they turned and chased after the fleeing shape of Kíli - Kíli, whom he had sent away alone. Kíli, unprotected.That was when Fíli had known pure terror and fear. He had searched, but had came too late. His heart missed a beat and he felt weak.—Kíli had been fatally wounded. But as the smart lad he was, he had pretended he was dead and Fíli felt his whole world crashing down. Until he realised Kíli had been pretending. 

 

So when Kíli had been saved, and he found that Thorin was still alive, he had not left Kíli's side. 

 

He missed his mom. He wanted to hug and smell her familiar scent of wood, soap and berries. He knew they had sent for her but didn't know when she would arrive.

 

The only times he had left Kíli's side was when he had to eat, wash or attend to his own needs. And sometimes when the bandages were cleaned. 

 

As he sat down next to his brother he watched him with a careful eye. He seemed more at peace and healthier than in the beginning and it brought him hope. Óin had said he shouldn't have his hopes too high. The wounds could always get infected and he could die from the fever. After all, orcs and goblins didn't clean their weapons.

 

But he worried the most about his appetite. When he ate, it was only to take medicine and he declined the rest. Same with water. 

 

Right now, Kíli was asleep. But he didn't know for how long. He either could be woken up by his nightmares or the pain. Or both. It happened once when Thorin visited and after that, the guilt was thick on his face. He never really visited again.

 

He was lost in his thoughts when he heard a low moan and he looked at Kíli. His face was split in a grimace of searing pain and fear. Fíli sighed. This happened far too often. He stood up and wrapped a blanket gently and carefully around his younger brother and started to wake him. 

 

Kíli's eyes flew open and Fíli braced himself for the scream of agony that was about to ripple through the tent. But it never came. He checked his face and saw that his brother looked bewildered and scared. Fíli let tentatively go and sat on the edge of the bed. 

 

He started to smooth Kíli's hair and whispered in Kíli's ear. 

 

"Relax, I'm here, don't be scared." 

 

Kíli stopped trembling, but his breathing was still uneven. 

 

"The company’s alive.” 

 

Kíli’s breathing slowly turned back to normal and he didn't look fearful anymore. Fíli had learned that he shouldn't say it would be all right or that it was a dream, because it was not. They were flashbacks, and he knew it wouldn't be all right for quite a while. 

 

"Good afternoon,  _ Nadadith _ ." he said softly. He looked in Kíli's disoriented eyes and smiled gently. The pained haze had reduced a bit. That was good. But Kíli seemed barely aware of Fíli’s presence.

 

Fíli's head whipped up as the flap of the tent opened and Óin stepped in. He had a letter in his hands and cleared his throat.

 

"Lady Dís informs that she is halfway on her journey to Erebor."

 

Fíli's shoulders sagged in relief.

 

"And will be here in two months." His mother was almost here and she could help, she was strong and would always be able to be with Kíli while the bandages were cleaned. And she'd be able to convince Kíli to keep fighting! Right?

 

He didn't notice as Óin left and looked down at Kíli. 

 

" _ Amad  _ is almost here, Kíli.  _ Amad. _ " he whispered, and he smiled hopefully. 

 

ooOO00OOoo

 

Dis sighed as she looked upon Erebor. She had been young when it had been taken by Smaug, and remembered little of when she had lived there.. She still knew the splendid halls, crowded marketplaces, high walls and the royal corridors. That she would not soon forget.

 

She looked out over the great fields that had been riotous with life when she was a child. They were now barren and desolate, scorched and poisoned by the malice of the dragon. The true Desolation of Smaug. There was was a cluster of tents at the Base of the mountain with bustling people. She wondered how much death had came with the battle and frowned. She had seen far too much loss in her lifetime.

She nudged her pony and she and her companions, Thekk - a friend of Fíli, Kíli and Bofur followed her. It had been been a long journey, and she was footsore and weary. And more than anything she wanted to see her sons, her Lion and her Sparrow, and her brother, the stoic darling, again. 

 

They looked around and saw the charred pieces of Laketown. The same fate as Dale had befallen it. 

 

“Look upon your home Thekk. For this is what your home is from now on.” Dís said and chuckled when she saw the awed expression on his face.

 

As she nudged her pony forward, she took in the scenery. Dead trees, shriveled leaves and dried streams. Nothing but desolation. 

Bofur was talking about the mountain to Thekk now. The young lad had wanted to see the mountain before he heard the stories. His face was set on concentration and he was clearly aching to see it all for himself. 

 

Dís on the other hand, had not much interest in the mountain at all. Her mother, grandmother and grandfather had died there and it had not escaped her something was wrong with Kíli. Whenever the lads were brought up, and Kíli's name was mentioned, Bofur scrambled hastily to another topic. 

 

Asking how Fíli had done in battle evolved into a serious conversation on how good he was. Asking how Thorin had coped while entering the mountain had drawn a pained expression and a story about the Dragon Sickness. But questions about Kíli were either, if possible, ignored or answered with a  _ yes,  _ a _ no  _ or story about him being reckless. Again. 

 

She decided to not press the matter, for she knew Bofur would tell her if he had the free choice. There had obviously been an order that Kíli shouldn't be mentioned, or his state at least. She was happy that when they crossed yet another hill, that the tents were definitely closer. The mountain did lure over them now and cast a long shadow, making the place even seem more desolate.

 

It was near twilight when they entered the camp. The only real movement was now in the tents with the heavily wounded. She, Thekk and Bofur dismounted their ponies and unsaddled the tired animals.

 

The ponies were taken by three young lads and their luggage was brought to tents. Thekk and Bofur were shipped off to dinner while Dís, as hungry and tired as she was, was led to her brother's place of stay.

 

It was far from being a nice tent, but it was the biggest, and thus had Thorin II Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain, gotten refuge there. She suspected it once had been a green tent, but she wasn't sure. It could've been white too. 

A few ravens were perched on the top and had obviously chosen their king.

 

She had to refrain from running in and tackling her brother while being not really angry but just relieved and crying, and was glad she did. Thorin had fallen asleep on his desk chair and was resting his head on, no doubt important, papers. Last time she'd seen him so tired that he just fell asleep on the spot was when Kíli had been born. 

 

She giggled as she saw he was drooling a little. Then, her inner prankster returned.

 

'I could startle him awake by doing if I'm a councillor. Or I could make him go to bed. Or I could just hug him while he's been in warrior mode for the past few months and ignore the possible consequences' 

 

She pondered for a while and a memory fought it's way up to her mind.

 

_ A small young dwarfling stood beside the beds of her older brothers. The siblings way of showing affection was a twisted one. The, annoying, adults called it pestering, while the siblings called it 'actively showing affection'.  _

 

_ On a first glance, her deep brown eyes and her soft silky raven hair represented an innocent princess. But she hid the mischievous sparkling of her eyes very well. _

 

_ Frerin had arisen early it seemed. Empty bed, night robes folded and clothes gone from the chair.  _

 

_ She turned to Thorin, still sleeping deeply, and decided to startle him awake. She pushed the chair to the bedside and clambered on it. She took a deep breath and jumped.  _

 

_ She shrieked in mirth as Thorin started awake as she landed full on his belly. Then, she found herself being hit in the nose and fell headfirst to the floor.  _

 

_ She screamed in pain and shock and curled up, hands on her nose.  _

 

She winced. It had hurt. No. Definitely not hug him. Or pretending to be a councillor.

 

She gently put a stray hair behind his ear and took him in. He was thinner and had more grey hairs. He looked tired and wary even asleep. He didn't even look peaceful. She huffed. He definitely slept not well, or almost not at all. Dís knew that if he slept while he knew he did not have to be alert there was no waking him without getting hurt, so she, the strong dwarrowdam she was, lifted her brother's dead sleeping form and hauled him over to his bed.

 

She stripped herself of her outer clothes and climbed in bed with him. They hadn't done this since they were but dwarflings and she felt a strange sense of security. She snuggled against him and pressed her nose between his shoulder blades, closing her eyes and getting some real rest,  _ finally _ .

 

ooOO00OOoo

 

Thorin blinked groggily against the sun that shone between the tents flaps. When in Mahal's name did he get in bed and why did it feel as if he was being snuggled. 

 

He carefully turned around in the embrace and gasped when he saw Dís. He blinked rapidly because it couldn't be Dís. When did she arrive? He wanted to ask her that question and tell her about Kíli, but he did not have the heart to do so. She looked peaceful, even with the traveling dust, and he already had accepted his fate when he saw it was Dís. She was a real snuggle monster.

 

He had missed her, a lot. And he was glad to have a sibling by his side once again. Not having to be a leader on his own because he knew Dís would demand to help him. She always did. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and smiled, truly smiled, when she opened her warm brown eyes.

 

Brown eyes met blue and Dís slapped his cheek, hugged him and started to cry whilst smiling and rambling about 'don't you dare go on an adventure ever again or I  _ will _ skin you'.

 

He hugged her back while his cheek stung but he accepted it. He deserved a few more slaps from Dís. They lay like that for a while, when his sister had stopped rambling and crying, completely peaceful. Of course, it was not meant to last for Thorin Oakenshield.

 

"Thorin, where are my sons?"

 

**_Chapter end?_ **

 

Thorin closed his eyes and sighed. She had to see for herself. But first he knew Fíli had to see her, the lad had visibly been aching for her.

 

"First Fíli, Dís. He's been asking after you every day since your letter arrived"

 

He felt Dís nod and they untangled themselves from their, actually not very comfortable but I missed you, embrace. Dís slipped in her dusty clothes and Thorin changed shirts and fur coat.

 

They stepped into the watery spring sun and went to the second biggest tent. Next to that was a sleeping tent and Dís went to wake Fíli up.

 

Fíli blinked and looked straight into his mother's warm brown eyes. He immediately flung her into a crushing embrace and couldn't keep the tears at bay. He was sobbing, because  _ finally  _ his 'amad was here.

 

Dís took a moment to register what was happening but soon returned the hug and began to hum for her eldest. Her lion.

 

"Hush _ thrutnel _ , I'm here.”

 

Dís was gently stroking her hand through his golden mane and placed soft kisses on his head. She began humming and old lullaby she sang for him when he was little;

 

_ It was a very special day _ __  
_ The most special beyond measure _ __  
_ Because it was upon that day _ __  
_ That Mahal made a treasure _ __  
__  
_ He took the diamonds from the sky, _ __  
_ And made them glow and glow _ __  
_ Then he put them in your eyes _ _  
_ __ And how I love them so.[1]

 

The warm soft memory of home eased Fíli's hitching breath and soon he was calm again.

 

"What has you so riled up, my boy?" Dís asked worriedly, she knew it involved Kíli, but it was Fíli to tell her.

 

"It's Kíli 'amad." Dís hummed "He's... a shell. He stares, but his eyes barely see. He barely eats and drinks. Only for his medicine. I want him back"

 

At the end Fíli's voice cracked and his throat tightened. Tears formed in his eyes and Dís placed a kiss in his head.

 

"We will. I promise"

 

____________

 

"Thorin, bring me to Kíli and then go to Fíli. He needs you"

 

Dís had stayed with her eldest son and pried bits and pieces from the battle. She had been shocked, petrified. But also very pissed off with Thorin. He had led her sons into battle. He had kept them away for  _ thirteen  _ months. And they were not the boys she said goodbye to, refused to "Farewell". And she didn't like it. Not one bit.

 

Thorin looked up from his chair and nodded. He stood up and cupped her cheek. He pressed their foreheads together and looked into her eyes.

 

"Alright."

 

She was brought to Kíli's tent and stood in front of it. She hesitated and didn't know why. She  _ really  _ wanted to see her youngest. She knew she had to. She softly opened the flap and peeked in. A single candle was on his nightstand and made his face seem even thinner. She hurried over and looked at his face. No peace, not even in sleep.

 

She sat down on the chair besides the bed. And went to grab his hand, his archery hand, but jerked her hand back. It was bandaged. She sighed. Her little sparrow, her youngest. Would there be any innocent, childish belief left?

 

She stayed by his side and would be there for many years to come. Kíli had apparently been put under poppy milk because he couldn’t sleep from the nagging pain. Dís and Óin had talked about his condition and she had cried, well, internally. No. She needed to be strong, for her sons, and her brother.

  
  


When he woke up, the pain came back in flaming bursts. He gritted his teeth and it escaped him he hadn’t dreamt. Soft hands were stroking his hair and there was a familiar scent. Wood, soap and berries. Where’d he recognize it from? He slowly opened his eyes and saw his mother? When had she arrived? He didn’t even knew she was coming!

 

Dís looked down and saw her sparrow looking up at her with confusement. He probably wondered why and when she had arrived. Óin had explained the pain and fever would probably cloud his judgement and he wouldn’t be able to feel any excitement or the need to cry and be holded the first few minutes.

 

“ ‘amad?” 

 

His voice was rough and scratchy and he coughed immediately. She reached for a glass of water and let him sip. She softly smiled and placed a kiss on his forehead.

 

“Oh Ursuruh inùdoy kurdulu.”

 

Kíli’s eyes widened and his breathing became ragged. Oh how’d he missed her! As she smiled softly, Kíli became more emotionally undone. He hadn't felt this much since, well, the battle. The battle...

 

Dís watched warily as her son's tears dried and his face became passive, almost as stoic as his uncle's. His breathing calmed and his eyes grew cold and distant. She called his name, but it extracted no reply. She shook his arm, but got no reaction. At last she waved her hand before his eyes, but he didn't bat a lash.

 

A broken sob escaped her. She allowed a few more before her lips tightened in a thin pale line and her face grew determined. She _ would _ save Kíli from whatever place he kept being drawn into. She _ would. _

 

ooOO00OOoo

 

Fíli refused to look up as his mother entered the tent. He had been with the company and tried to eat. But he didn't get anything down his throat. Dís had been with Kíli and as soon as she'd left in a suspiciously hurried pace, he had scurried inside. Only to find an empty and hollow little brother on the bed. 

 

_ The air was pressing down on him and he struggled to breath. The sounds around him muted as he saw the hollow and empty eyes of Kíli. His little brother, his other half. When he came back to his senses, he left the tent as if he was being chased by an orc. Those unseeing eyes. They're going to haunt him, that's for sure. _

 

"Fíli?" Dís' soft voice and light touch started him out of his thoughts "We'll save him darling" 

 

At this Fíli hurled himself at his mother and buried his nose in the cape of her neck. The familiar scent helped him calm down, but the silent crying didn't stop. He just needed to let it all  _ out.  _ And Dís knew it, so she let him. She softly rubbed his back and hummed slowly. Seeing her sons like this made her feel sorrow, and anger at Thorin. She felt helpless also, she didn't know how to safe Kíli yet. But she would. 

 

Fíli's sobs eased slowly and he breathed shakily. Dís didn't let go and neither did Fíli let go of Dís. Fíli felt lost, he was always with Kíli and that was from the day Kíli had been born. And now.. Kíli was here but he wasn't, and it hurt him a lot. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the empty ones of his nadadith. 

 

\---

 

Kíli saw his mother and wanted to cry, sob. He had missed her. Only... the tears didn't fall. He was pulled inside and his body went unresponsive. He wanted to reach out and yell "Mom!" when she walked away, but his mouth didn't open and no air escaped his mouth. What was happening? He panicked. His body didn't, it remained stable and the breathing didn't pick up speed. 

 

Fíli came in. He saw the sheer terror and panic on Fíli's face and wanted to call him, he was still there! Fíli ran away, as if he was being chased and Kíli wanted to cry. He was trapped in behind a locked door and the key yet needed to be forged, but he was determined not to break. He needed to recover and be Kíli again. He needed to come back.

 

chapter end?

 

It was all by all a gray business in the camp of the company. The news of Kíli had spread between the companions and they were all sad. They hadn’t seen Fíli come from Kíli’s tent for anything but breakfast and dinner. They had placed an extra bed in the tent and Fíli was always on watch.

  
  
  
  


\-----------------------------------------------------

**Translation** :

Nadadith: little brother.

Amad: mother, mom

Ursuruh inùdoy kurdulu: my fiery son of the heart

thrutnel - star of all stars

  
[1] The cradle song is made by Determamfidd. I have permission to use it. In the mean time, check out  [ Sansûkh. ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/855528/chapters/1637607) By Determamfidd


	2. chapter 2/3??

It was all by all a gray business in the camp of the company. The news of Kíli had spread between the companions and they were all sad. They hadn’t seen Fíli come from Kíli’s tent for anything but breakfast and dinner. They had placed an extra bed in the tent and Fíli was always on watch.

 

Bofur and Bombur watched, knowing how hard it was to lose contact with a family member. Bifur was their cousin, but they couldn’t imagine it happening to their brother. And Fíli and Kíli had the closest relationship between brothers that any of them had ever seen. 

 

There seemed to be no improvement in reaction. Yes, he ate when prompted,  but he couldn't hold his own spoon, he could barely chew. It was agonising to watch. He was a hollow shell, doing things automatically. His eyes weren't the warm brown they once were, his skin was pale, his hair had lost its vigor. 

 

Over the spread of days it became clear that if Dís didn't tend to Fíli, he'd stay in the tent all day and night, talking to his brother and never once sleeping. His face turned pale, his blue eyes were gray and his golden locks didn't shine. Without his brother he was nothing, like a warrior without its weapon. Dís and Thorin bore burdens, and yet they hadn't broken yet. Gandalf had been absent and Thorin was furious. Always absent when they needed him.


End file.
